Gratitude

September 7 is always a day of reflection. We have 2 daughters. Most of you only know of one, our Amazing, love filled Laurie. Laurie had a younger sister, Colleen,born September 7, who was never called anything but Coco. A name made up by 2 year old Laurie. They had to be each other's Besties. We lived on a farm 1 hour from town. Laurie was a thinker, reader, quiet reflector upon life. Coco was wild, impulsive in a scary way and yelled out to everyone. They were sisters. They fought, screamed,,cried,swore and totally adored each other for opposite reasons.They were so loved by their daddy. Laurie was his Princess and coco his Muffin.And I, well I loved them both more than my life...more than sunshine. I Mothered,Protected,and guided them to the best of my my knowing. Many years past, many memories made. We were older, our parents were ill, children were in College and addresses changed. Then Everything stopped. Coco died suddenly April 15th, she was 18.Our last talk, April 13th, making arrangements for her to take the bus to our new home in another province.Our last hug the day before we left. She sat on my knee, arms around my neck, crying, telling us her secret. We held her so tight both of us, mommy and daddy, assuring her we would always love her without conditions. She was our Muffin, our baby, our sunshine. Today September 7th, we will celebrate her life and give thanks for the amazing sister, daughter, granddaughter, friend that we all loved and still miss more than sunshine. Let there be cake!

Faith

Six months ago, I faced the possibility that I would die from Septisemia. At full attention my mind entirely on its own began a life review. By this age I have had many life experiences, the challenge is to view them in terms of lessons learned rather then holding regrets. Impossible for me without calling upon my faith. That close to death,I was lucky enough to have the time that allowed me to ask forgiveness and thank my God for the life I have been given. I was surrounded by generous, loving people who in their own way held much faith and hope for my future and filled me with a positive belief that I was going to recover. So I started the day, through the day, at the end of the day saying: the people I need are here, the assistance I need is here, and all things are possible with faith. I won't allow doubt in my Universe and at this moment I will learn the lessons offered me.

Hope

OK, I admit I can be a bit hesitant in seeing the blessing of loving myself and offering up gratitude for the journey I am on. Here it is.....my discovery. In loving myself, hope arrived. The challenge for me was to hold myself to the present. This important element was taught to me when in the midst of my crises, by my sweet,insiteful girl. It's not easy for a practicing long term goal setter to restrain themselves to the present but that was what I needed to do to heal. It was a long, emotional 6 months, lived mostly in the present and it brought me soundly here, to having hope. Lesson learned was that in accepting and loving who I am, I was able to give out a more loving Vibe to the Universe and recieve love back and that's what makes you worthy.

Finding the love

Love does not just arrive. You must search for love. First within yourself. Learning to love myself has been hard work. My Past experiences almost made it impossible. Almost impossible until a small crack of love light was recognized. The light came through my child, now a wife and parent, and came unconditionally. The problem with regret and burden is that it is easier to accept than love. Change is scary and easier to stop than start and is often one of the positives of a crises. Crises and near death had a big part to play in my finding love of self and embrassing and nurturing it. I am new to the art of nurturing self love and must consciously, vocally affirm my love for myself throughout my day. It is the first thing I do upon waking and the last I do before sleep. "I forgive me and I forgive you. I am lovable, a good person inspite of my mistakes I am gratefull for all Of my life experiences. They are who I am and have brought me here. Today,NOW,I will love myself, I am worthy.

Today

I am here today, shakey,and scared. The lessons, death of my youngest and accidents and illnesses that changed me forever are now my past but still oddly my present. I face them daily. Today,I am old,now a caregiver. I am humbled by my resilience physically and spiritually but I am scared and alone and not living where I dream to be. The reality is My promise will not be broken.

Yesterday

Yesterday changed everthing. Decisions I made regarding where I would live, who I would leave behind would be my baggage for life. Heavy baggage that I still deal with badly. Children would suffer, one would choose death. My prescious daughter remaining will judge me forever. Decisions made, I cannot change, but will regret and will ask forgiveness for over and over, until my last breath. I am alone in this and broken.